In recent years, there has been growing evidence favoring experiential therapies, especially those involving horses, to accelerate healing and connection with the authentic and genuine part of ourselves. Riding the horse is not required!!! Becoming comfortable around the horse while engaging and interacting with the horse”s energy is the heart of the therapy.

Horses are so powerful in therapy because they are uniquely sensitive to the sacred space and connection we create in relationship to them…as prey animals, they are extremely sensitive to the energies around them. Their survival depends on that sensitivity. That sensitivity provides an excellent mirror for us to see how we create safety or distance in our relationships.

The workshop starts Saturday 9:30am May 5th through Sunday 1pm May 6th. There are 3 beautiful private rooms available Friday and Saturday evening with breakfast and lunch Saturday and Sunday and workshop for $250. For those getting hotel rooms locally, the rate is $150 including workshop, breakfast and lunch Saturday and Sunday. For those flying into Missoula airport (40 miles from our ranch) pick up and drop off arrangements can be made.

If you have any questions, please call us at 406-961-0175 or email us at tomannmar@aol.com

That feeling of connection haunts me. Why is it so easy to share with strangers in a Dr’s office yet so difficult at times to share with my spouse whom I love and adore? An easy answer comes: there is no risk, there is no history…but that seems to fall flat. It continues to haunt me on the flight home, in part because we had recently facilitated a couples workshop and like all other workshops we have done, I saw men agonizingly struggle to reach out to their wives when they were both distressed.

Something started to lurk in my background thoughts and gradually moved forward….men and combat/battle. I thought of my own struggle with reaching out to Annie…more in the past, but still almost hardwired into my psyche. During the 2-3 week pre-exam period, I noticed that I was slowly beginning to withdraw as the anxiety/tension grew. As the “avoider” I knew, after years of work, what was happening…”what are you feeling Tom and is it familiar?!”

Yes, it was familiar, and the feelings were fear, anxiety and inadequacy. The familiar was that prior to football games and wrestling matches, which I considered highly combative, and impending confrontations; I instinctively withdrew, shut down and projected an energy that kept others at a distance. As I thought about my teammates, I realized almost all of them did exactly the same thing. I also asked men, including one of my sons, who had actually experienced combat, whether this was true prior to battle, that also was confirmed. My emotions of fear, anxiety and inadequacy were certainly about winning, but I think even more importantly it was about competing with honor and courage…inadequacy was a feeling underlying all of it…do I have what it takes…will I let my buddies down?  Will I be courageous or show even a glimpse of cowardice?

My quietness and withdrawal during the 2-3 week waiting period was my method of “preparing for battle”…fear, anxiety and will I measure up prior to and during the exam? What if, God forbid, the cancer has recurred? Will I handle it with courage and honor? I never knew how to not withdraw…to isolate and go quiet. As we entered the doctor’s office, I “clicked on” and chatted with the receptionist, nurses and other patients in the room. Annie got more quiet. Our defenses shifted. I was acting out “the battle” with “honor and courage” and Annie quietly watched it all. In the past, I would get really angry with Annie…as the wise Crone, I knew she knew what was really happening, including my mask of bravado. It was like she was saying “honey this is really fucking serious. I know you’re nervous and I certainly am too….”can you be with me together in this moment?” That’s it!! Be together in the moment with what is.

To do that, for me anyway, requires fierceness, gentleness and consciousness…to be aware of my defense. To overcome my core fear of showing or expressing vulnerability particularly “in the battle”. The irony is I gain immense strength, courage and honor when I share the truth of that moment with my wife. Contrary to my dna programming, I didn’t “lose my sword”, it was right there in my scabbard and available at any time.  I think this is a critical awareness as the decades long rise of women’s empowerment seems to have pushed men “into battle” with either a full-on macho presentation or a feminized version of maleness. Like most rigid systems…neither one seems to work over a lifetime, certainly not in our intimate relationships. Over the years, I have seen so many men…really good men locked into one of these two beliefs. They have come to me for help because one of the two prior systems was not working…in fact they were in crisis. Their marriage, relationship with children, and/or colleagues were falling apart. They were grief stricken and had no idea how to resolve the issue.

Their grief was powerful, and in most cases would have stunned their wife, children and/or colleagues….and that’s the point. There’s an old adage that says “don’t realize how much you love your wife as she’s walking out the door”. When Ann and I were co-facilitating men’s REP workshops at BFC, Annie was stunned that when men accessed their emotions, they were extremely powerful and deeply genuine….different from women’s group. She said women often hide their rage beneath their tears while men hide their tears beneath their anger or rage. When men realize, I think, that they have a choice…to access their more vulnerable emotions and share them as well as honor and enjoy their competitive, wild, fun, serious, loyal, man cave energies; our relationships and lives will be more deeply satisfying. This is not saying that men are the relational problem….we are not!! AND we need to grow and change.

To that point, there are two scenes I remember that exemplify men’s emotional power AND their need to change. The first was an interview between a mother and father at home and their Army Ranger son in Iraq. The electronics were somewhat limited. The parents could see their son on TV, but the son could not see them. As it began Mom was very verbal, filling him in on all the home news. As it progressed, the son asked Dad (who had not yet said a word) how you doing Pop? He responded “Fine, keep your head down son”. The interview was winding down and Mom expressed her love and each of the family members best wishes. The son said thanks Mom…I love you Dad..see you soon. Dad did not respond…he was at the end of the sofa weeping. His son never saw that or heard him. The second scene was at Camp Pendleton Marine base in California as Marine sons returned from combat in Iraq. The waiting area was filled with moms, dads, wives, girlfriends, and kids anxiously waiting their return. As the buses pulled into the area filled with Marines in their cammies and holding their weapons, the energy became very intense. We had been watching this war on CNN and now our sons, husbands, fathers were home. They poured off the buses and something incredibly powerful and silent happened, like an ancient choreographed ritual without sound or direction ….mothers, wives and girlfriends stepped back and watched as fathers moved toward their sons hugging them unabashedly, telling them how much they loved and missed them and how proud they were of them. In the background I heard one mother say with the sad wisdom of the Crone…”Isn’t it a shame that it’s taken our sons going to war to hear from their fathers what they have always wanted to hear”.

There are also times when words are not necessary…but conscious intentionality is demanded. To that point: many years ago Ann had a miscarriage that was completely unexpected by either of us. We were both devastated. Several weeks later I walked down the hallway to our bedroom and turned into the doorway. It was mid afternoon and Annie was on her knees praying by the side of our bed. I immediately went “into battle” and quietly turned and started walking back down the hallway…”I’ve got to be strong…let Annie have her moment with God”. Another quieter voice of recovery said “go back and just be with her in this moment…do the counter intuitive”. I quietly walked back into the bedroom and knelt beside Annie and put my arm around her. We knelt there for minutes never saying a word. It is one of the most intimate moments in our marriage.

When I feel that “relational dread” now, I don’t have to “go to battle”…I can just be with my wife, partner, son, daughter or friend with what is… always knowing I can “pull my metaphorical sword” anytime. Easy huh?! Would love to hear what you think. Thanks for reading.

What I didn’t get was that while that was all very nice and noble, I really was coming from a place of superiority…a place of “one up”. My personal relationships with women were in tatters. For the life of me I did not “get” or understand that this relational dissonance had anything to do with my relationship with my mother. I was a protector of women in the external world, but wound up abusing them verbally and emotionally in my private, intimate relationships and “shocked, hurt, confused and betrayed when they said adios. Actually, most times I left first for another relationship.

They often said after, that “I was a great father but lousy husband/partner”. This only further confused me and triggered my defensive posture of anger and my core belief that “you can’t trust women…they’ll always let you down and leave you. They’re calculating and disloyal”.

After 10 years in sobriety my reactive anger was somewhat improved, but nowhere near what I felt it should be…especially in my marriage. I was seeking a solution and read a book by John Lee “Stepping into the Mystery”. There was a paragraph in this book that punched me in the stomach…in my gut I knew it was true, but it challenged everything I had previously internalized about mom…”Until a man can admit to himself that his mother isn’t all sweetness and light, he will carry the witch inside him, refusing to embrace her or to wrestle with her. He will never acknowledge that he not only loves his mother but hates her as well. He will never be whole. If men don’t wrestle with the witch in their mothers, then when the witch in their wives or lovers need confronting, they won’t do it…and the witch will eat him alive. And an easy job she’ll have of it too, because there will be no bones, particularly backbone, for her to break her teeth on”. I instinctively knew this was huge for me and that I needed to address my relationship with my mother. There was something terrifying about this topic…much more so than my father. He seemed easy compared to this journey into the feminine world.

Ann and I went to John’s anger workshop which changed that forever. I was in the middle of doing my work when the facilitator asked me to get angry at my mom. I said I couldn’t do that…”not only was she my mom, but she was dead!”. He asked me to express anger at my ex partners. I immediately let loose with stored anger! He said ‘interesting” (I hate when therapists do that) and suggested that every woman in my life was paying the price for my disowned anger at mom…they were getting it all.

After about an hour of work and prodding, I exploded in anger and rage about my mom…her passivity about my dad’s rages toward me, her emotional distance/disconnection, shaming and criticism. I was stunned at this emotion and further stunned when it led to a ground swell of grief and sobs, as I said for the first time since she died “I miss you and I love you”. This was 33 yrs after her death!

After the exercise, which Ann observed, she told me how relieved she was to see me do this work. She knew my unfinished business with mom often came out on her in anger, frustration, shaming and criticism.

The result of this work was to remove my mother from the pedestal which she neither asked for or deserved. It’s a terrible burden to carry. I could love her as my mom and a woman with great attributes and many flaws as well. I could stop projecting the pseudo “idealized mom” onto Ann and then get angry, shaming, critical when she fell short. I stopped setting her up to fail.

The work then became a dance of intimacy….how do I relate to a flesh and blood woman without the ghost of  “perfect woman” (mom) in my mind? I realized I had projected the “ideal” on mom and mom’s shadow (shaming, critical, cold, withdrawn) on Annie.

As I removed mom from the pedestal and saw her with assets and liabilities; I saw women, particularly Ann, in the same light. I was no longer “little boy” reenacting an immature dependent/disdain dance with Ann that was rooted in my disowned rage at mom. I could stop pulling Ann in and then pushing her away when it got too real/intimate. Waiting for her to leave and then affirming my belief “sure all woman will leave/betray you because they’re cold, calculating and manipulative”.

Our marriage then took on a level of responsibility I had never experienced. I couldn’t blame anyone else. I needed to “plant my flag” and be in the marriage with all of me. For me that meant acknowledging my vulnerabilities particularly, which I had never done.

There was nothing “soft” about this. It took and continues to take the fierce/gentle energy of the Warrior, King and Lover archetypes. Men in the recovery program, as always, supported me on this journey. These were men who would not let me criticize/blame my wife, but always directed me back to my part in whatever conflict we may be having.

To the contrary, in my early recovery I sought the “help” of women. This only brought forward the dark/soft side of my lover, magician, king and warrior archetypes…the dependent/disdainful “adolescent boy” who wanted to seduce all women or get comforted by co-dependent, mothering women. Only men could confer manhood on me through their wisdom, support, identification, trust, love and accountability. The women I chose never held me accountable. When I finally sought out men in recovery, it was both frightening and exhilarating. I instinctively knew the bullshit was over.

The results that I have seen from my own work in this area and other men I have facilitated is miraculous. There is a burden of isolation, anger and grief that is lifted and replaced with a sense of lightness and freedom. I realized Ann was not the problem…nor was I.

So often the addict gets sober and may be sober for years and then….lessening of 12 step meetings, relationship issues, health issues, sleep issues, pain issues, work issues, financial issues,weight/food issues. All the many masks this disease has to call us back to active addiction. Now this is not to say these issues are not very real, painful and serious. The idea we present, is as we begin to deal with these issues, the addict must keep the ever-present disease a priority. Treating the disease daily.

I have been in the place many times in my 27years of sobriety where Tom, work, health issues, depression, finances, money, weight/food,sex, family and/or relationship issues creep in and tell me, ” Ann you must deal with this and put your sobriety on hold”. Now obviously it is never quite as clear as that. The disease subtly seduces me into believing the priorities are these issues and not me and the maintenance of my own sobriety, as don’t you know,I have been sober for years……oh my…danger zone.

To all alcoholics and addicts and our special family members, do not ever forget that each and every one of us is totally and completely responsible for ourselves and whatever our baggage and gifts are. Do not forget who you are and do not enable each other to be anything less than all of who we are with that bright light shining within, celebrating life and living. We are the light when treating the disease first. Prayers to those we have lost and their friends and families.

Something shifts, I think I should be able to integrate other foods without problem. I go along for awhile and then it stops working. Back to the beginning. We admitted we are powerless over sugar that our lives have become unmanageable. I know how the 12 steps have worked for me with alcohol, drugs and relationship. Is food bigger than God? Is my fear bigger than God? I let it be sometimes, what’s up with that?  Soooooo, hello 12 steps, here I come….

Along with the food plan, we attend meetings, talk about what is really going on, have special women in our lives who listen and don’t try to fix us or anyone else for that matter, exercise to get the endorphins going and of course yoga for overall health.  Is this such a tall order  Yes it is sometimes and when it is the goal needs to be gentleness with myself or I shame myself and perpetuate addiction.  Oh my!  Oh my!

Tom and I have been recovering from the trauma of throat cancer, radiation and chemotherapy for the past two years.  We were told about two years ago to make sure that we watch Tom’s psa count because it was higher than the Dr. thought it should be.  Tom’s Prostate was put on the back burner because so much else was happening with his health. Tom and I have both been aware that another biopsy was needed due to increasing psa numbers and the fears have been simmering for a long time.  About one year ago a biopsy was done on 12 samples of the p prostate and all were benign.  Thank God. Within this past year the psa count doubled and another biopsy was preemenint.   He had the second biopsy last Wednesday and we got the results Friday.  All good, 14 samples taken and all benign. Thank you God.  Well what I want to share is whether on the back burner or not fears sizzle and I am aware that I have not had one day since the initial cancer that I have not prayed for Tom’s health and to be cancer free. It is always present. Tom and I have struggled with our fears in ways that have triggered more fears and pain and ultimately joy in our relationship.  Tom is the avoider and I am the pursuer.  I process low levels of fear by externally expelling my anxiety, chatting, eating, cleaning, getting busy.  Tom processes his low level of fear by going within and not talking, getting serious and working on the ranch. So again the way I process triggers Tom and the way he processes triggers me.  Oh my.  I continue to learn in our marriage that the solution lies in the  “spiritual axiom” Me looking at me and changing me even at those times when I want to change, shame or blame Tom.  When all I want is acceptance from Tom I need to accept Tom completely and totally.  This is hard.  Life is hard.  The joy is in getting through it all without to much collateral damage.  Oh my!

Normal?

So, I want to take a minute to talk about our experience as a couple, recovering from throat cancer. As most of you know Tom now has a voice that sounds scratchy compared to the smooth tone he had prior to cancer and the cutting of his right vocal cord. Tom and I went to celebrate our son’s one year sober birthday in San Diego. We felt so honored and blessed. As a side bar, we were in the gym working out and a woman with bleached white hair, tiny waist and large chest seemed to be saying something to Tom, I took off my earphones, I was blasting Janis Joplin into my ears to motivate me to workout hard!!! And I hear her saying to Tom, ” The sounds you are making are gross!”. I couldn’t quite believe my ears and then Tom responded with, ” You know what is really gross, throat cancer”. She responded with, ” I just didn’t want to catch anything.”. The woman next to Tom said to him” You are amazing.”. I was still shocked. With all I think I know I wanted to say something really nasty to her. I made some karma comments under my breath….she wanted to buy us a drink at the pool. We said no and left.

We are here at he airport to pick up our grandson and the flight attendant checking us in said, ” I hope you do something with your voice or you will not be much fun!”. Again I go into shock. Tom handles it quite well. I say, ” He had throat cancer and a vocal cord was cut”. I wanted to say what does his voice have to do with him being fun? Oh my, oh my..

I guess all of these comments we continue to get are teachers for us to honor and respect the slightest difference in whatever form it may take. Love to you all and by the way Tom is more fun than ever.

Betty Ford, we miss you and thank you, your family and The Betty Ford Center for all of the many gifts and sacrifices to and for service to the alcoholic/addict and cancer survivors. As a woman I am particularly grateful as you served as a role model to reduce the shame that women carry about being addicted. Your sense of humor always helped to soften painful issues too. As a recovering woman who is also recovering from family cancer trauma, I thank you. The family gets through it too. Amazing the same principals apply to recover. Each individual must take care of self first then be there for the other. Challenging when in the crisis of addiction, cancer or couples strife. I remember years ago when Tom and I were working at The Betty Ford Center, Tom got a call to go to Firestone Hall to see you. You sat and talked to him about his son who was in the Marines and in Kuwait. You and President Ford had found out about his son and gave Tom incredible personal support, love and information regarding his son. Tom returned very grateful, emotional and relieved. You always went above and beyond. Thank you, Mrs. Ford and we will miss you. May God bless you and your legacy.

What a time for celebration! We had three grandchildren visit for the past three weeks. Annabel and Giles from London for one week and Thomas from LA for the next two weeks. How blessed I feel that I am alive to share this time with them and that we have such a beautiful ranch to provide activities and time together that lead hopefully to very fond memories for them. I am also so grateful that Annie is my wife and such a loving, caring wife and  grandmother. I have always dreamed of creating this type of home that would have a warm welcoming spirit to everyone who came. It is so amazing to watch the grandchildren, who live in urban homes, begin to live in surroundings of rivers, fly fishing, mountains, 3 dogs, 4 horses, saddles/bridles,  irrigation pipes, tractors and country fairs. There is beauty everywhere as well as potential danger! I was so proud of their adventurous spirit and the enthusiastic manner they approached these new challenges. There was fear, as well there should be when getting on a 1100lb horse or 26 hp lawn tractor for the first time. Annabel as she rode Annie’s horse in the roundpen for the first time under Annie’s nervous, close supervision. These are not stable horses who couldn’t gallop if you set a bomb off under them. They are experienced, trained but spirited horses. Annabel looked like she was born in the saddle. Next year we will take her on the trails. Giles got on the lawn tractor and his bravado disappeared a little…he realized this was a serious machine. He listened attentively to my directions, warnings and cautions. After I watched him cut a sample area, I told him he could do the back yard (about an acre). His look was priceless! It was as if I had just told him to take that hill! He was so proud of himself. Next day I took him to the lower pasture. This was a new environment…much larger and having the four horses grazing there. Again he was a little nervous…I was relieved to see that! He would look over to see if I was watching and I gave him thumbs up every time. He always responded with a grin and wave..he is one of those people that when he grins or smiles his entire face lights up! I was working on changing some pipe when I heard this singing. I turned and Giles was blissfully singing as he expertly maneuvered the tractor on the pasture. It doesn’t get any better than this. I was so grateful to be a sober grandfather watching his grandchildren confront their fears and move into competency and celebration of their life. It was such a joy to have them here and very sad to say goodby.

Thomas came next for two weeks. Wow has he grown up. He would ask me every evening  “grandpa tell me when you’re going to move the irrigation pipes. I want to go with you and help”. I thought that might last 2-3 times, but he came out every day to help me…with a willing spirit. We took him to a stable he had been to the last summer he was here. We just don’t have a horse we’d trust with him yet and Annie and I riding our own horses. So at this stable, we ride their horses, using their saddlery. The guide checked out Thomas (and grandma and grandpa!) in the corral and all was ok! We set out for our ride which included crossing the Bitterroot River on our horses with the water coming up to mid leg, through pastures and up a mountain trail where the view was spectacular! This was not a follow the horses butt in front of you trail ride. It was challenging and fun. Thomas was excellent. Ever since we took him out the first time several years ago, his composure and strength with his horse in difficult situations is amazing. He focuses immediately and gets his horse to do what he wants.

All of this brings me to what I have been struggling with for several months…fear and surrender/acceptance. As we returned to the barn after our ride, Annie brought up fear in riding with the guide, who shared her beliefs about this subject. She shared how this fear is rational…its a 1100-1300 lb very powerful animal you’re sitting on. If you don’t have some fear, you’re stupid or crazy (her words!). Don’t try to “ride through” a very strong fear on a horse…he’ll sense it and get spooked himself, which will create a wreck! Get off the horse!!!…and walk until you feel grounded again and if you want, get back on the horse or walk back to the stable. 

Her words haunted me for days…get off the horse??!! No male riding instructor had ever said this…the message was invariably be the leader! Get yourself under control and exhibit leadership/dominance or the horse will get confused/spooked and you’ll have a wreck on your hands…and it can happen very, very quickly.

They haunted me because I have had very powerful forces come into my life the past two years…throat cancer in June 2009 followed by 4 surgeries and chemo/radiation for 7 weeks..unable to eat or drink, because of aspiration, for 11 months, feedtube for 2 years for hydration and learning how to speak in an audible hoarse whisper. The past 18 mos my psa went above 4 and then doubled in 12 mos to 9.6 requiring two biopsies…both benign thank God!  While these incidents were dramatic to me and Annie, something felt old and familar about my response…an old pattern. Anger, frustration and some depression began to surface…knocking on my door. The things I was using to get relief and experience joy began to turn on me..my horse galloped off several times while riding him…without cue. I was frightened. The tractor I had dreamed about and gotten, I realized one evening while driving it how very powerful it was. I was frightened. I grew up in the suburbs!! I didn’t have any lifelong experience with horses, tractors or ranching, but I always had physical strength, coordination, determination and youth!! Annie and I were preparing to facilitate a workshop in a public venue for the first time in over two years. My voice is still a hoarse whisper. I was frightened. The knock was becoming  more relentless and the anger and frustration growing….get off the horse!! The words haunted me, but I couldn’t put context to them for me.

I shared my anger and frustration at my men’s stag meeting. One of those shares I drive home with a cringe…God where was the recovery message in my share? Did I sound self pitying…oh God please no!! Anything but that!! I thought more about it and some insight was lurking, but I couldn’t get it. The next night I shared and like so many times after sharing my truth in a meeting the insight comes. As I was sharing, the grief began to boil up and over..the grief that my age old anger, impatience and frustration always tries to hide. I started to realize that while I had fought for my life and survived, that “fight” was no longer working the same way. There are things that no degree of fight, determination, exercise, will or discipline can beat…my voice is what it is. It will never be the same. Just saying that tears my heart and guts out…it feels like quitting! The reality is that I need to get off the horse and walk…I don’t have to fight this in this way. Its to truly grieve the loss i.e. voice, body changes, numb toes, age, etc and accept life on life’s terms and truly trust God’s will for me. Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him…I realize that every decision requires a choice..and every choice involves grief over the thing not chosen. One of the reasons I avoided choice in my addiction. My choice is to leave behind the old anger, frustration and impatience and accept/surrender their comfortable illusion of power and know that I can “fight” for my life each moment of every day by living it to the fullest and when necessary, when I get caught up in the “fight” I can always choose to Get off the horse!

Its amazing the peace that is beginning to come with this realization…and energy. My lifelong fear was always that if I stopped “fighting” I would die. There are so many paradoxes in AA, and this is one for me…the more I surrender the more energy and love I have to give Annie and all those close to me. I will also continue riding my horse Irish, drive my tractor and teach with Annie here on our ranch and wherever we are needed. Thanks for reading. Love and blessings, Tom