Get off the horse!

I’ve wrestled with writing for years…always the same. It better be perfect content and context…something about writing that brings up shame. Who do you think you are?! I think its time to override this and just write. The more difficult aspect is that my writing is going to be personal and hopefully meaningful and helpful to someone.

What a time for celebration! We had three grandchildren visit for the past three weeks. Annabel and Giles from London for one week and Thomas from LA for the next two weeks. How blessed I feel that I am alive to share this time with them and that we have such a beautiful ranch to provide activities and time together that lead hopefully to very fond memories for them. I am also so grateful that Annie is my wife and such a loving, caring wife and  grandmother. I have always dreamed of creating this type of home that would have a warm welcoming spirit to everyone who came. It is so amazing to watch the grandchildren, who live in urban homes, begin to live in surroundings of rivers, fly fishing, mountains, 3 dogs, 4 horses, saddles/bridles,  irrigation pipes, tractors and country fairs. There is beauty everywhere as well as potential danger! I was so proud of their adventurous spirit and the enthusiastic manner they approached these new challenges. There was fear, as well there should be when getting on a 1100lb horse or 26 hp lawn tractor for the first time. Annabel as she rode Annie’s horse in the roundpen for the first time under Annie’s nervous, close supervision. These are not stable horses who couldn’t gallop if you set a bomb off under them. They are experienced, trained but spirited horses. Annabel looked like she was born in the saddle. Next year we will take her on the trails. Giles got on the lawn tractor and his bravado disappeared a little…he realized this was a serious machine. He listened attentively to my directions, warnings and cautions. After I watched him cut a sample area, I told him he could do the back yard (about an acre). His look was priceless! It was as if I had just told him to take that hill! He was so proud of himself. Next day I took him to the lower pasture. This was a new environment…much larger and having the four horses grazing there. Again he was a little nervous…I was relieved to see that! He would look over to see if I was watching and I gave him thumbs up every time. He always responded with a grin and wave..he is one of those people that when he grins or smiles his entire face lights up! I was working on changing some pipe when I heard this singing. I turned and Giles was blissfully singing as he expertly maneuvered the tractor on the pasture. It doesn’t get any better than this. I was so grateful to be a sober grandfather watching his grandchildren confront their fears and move into competency and celebration of their life. It was such a joy to have them here and very sad to say goodby.

Thomas came next for two weeks. Wow has he grown up. He would ask me every evening  “grandpa tell me when you’re going to move the irrigation pipes. I want to go with you and help”. I thought that might last 2-3 times, but he came out every day to help me…with a willing spirit. We took him to a stable he had been to the last summer he was here. We just don’t have a horse we’d trust with him yet and Annie and I riding our own horses. So at this stable, we ride their horses, using their saddlery. The guide checked out Thomas (and grandma and grandpa!) in the corral and all was ok! We set out for our ride which included crossing the Bitterroot River on our horses with the water coming up to mid leg, through pastures and up a mountain trail where the view was spectacular! This was not a follow the horses butt in front of you trail ride. It was challenging and fun. Thomas was excellent. Ever since we took him out the first time several years ago, his composure and strength with his horse in difficult situations is amazing. He focuses immediately and gets his horse to do what he wants.

All of this brings me to what I have been struggling with for several months…fear and surrender/acceptance. As we returned to the barn after our ride, Annie brought up fear in riding with the guide, who shared her beliefs about this subject. She shared how this fear is rational…its a 1100-1300 lb very powerful animal you’re sitting on. If you don’t have some fear, you’re stupid or crazy (her words!). Don’t try to “ride through” a very strong fear on a horse…he’ll sense it and get spooked himself, which will create a wreck! Get off the horse!!!…and walk until you feel grounded again and if you want, get back on the horse or walk back to the stable. 

Her words haunted me for days…get off the horse??!! No male riding instructor had ever said this…the message was invariably be the leader! Get yourself under control and exhibit leadership/dominance or the horse will get confused/spooked and you’ll have a wreck on your hands…and it can happen very, very quickly.

They haunted me because I have had very powerful forces come into my life the past two years…throat cancer in June 2009 followed by 4 surgeries and chemo/radiation for 7 weeks..unable to eat or drink, because of aspiration, for 11 months, feedtube for 2 years for hydration and learning how to speak in an audible hoarse whisper. The past 18 mos my psa went above 4 and then doubled in 12 mos to 9.6 requiring two biopsies…both benign thank God!  While these incidents were dramatic to me and Annie, something felt old and familar about my response…an old pattern. Anger, frustration and some depression began to surface…knocking on my door. The things I was using to get relief and experience joy began to turn on me..my horse galloped off several times while riding him…without cue. I was frightened. The tractor I had dreamed about and gotten, I realized one evening while driving it how very powerful it was. I was frightened. I grew up in the suburbs!! I didn’t have any lifelong experience with horses, tractors or ranching, but I always had physical strength, coordination, determination and youth!! Annie and I were preparing to facilitate a workshop in a public venue for the first time in over two years. My voice is still a hoarse whisper. I was frightened. The knock was becoming  more relentless and the anger and frustration growing….get off the horse!! The words haunted me, but I couldn’t put context to them for me.

I shared my anger and frustration at my men’s stag meeting. One of those shares I drive home with a cringe…God where was the recovery message in my share? Did I sound self pitying…oh God please no!! Anything but that!! I thought more about it and some insight was lurking, but I couldn’t get it. The next night I shared and like so many times after sharing my truth in a meeting the insight comes. As I was sharing, the grief began to boil up and over..the grief that my age old anger, impatience and frustration always tries to hide. I started to realize that while I had fought for my life and survived, that “fight” was no longer working the same way. There are things that no degree of fight, determination, exercise, will or discipline can beat…my voice is what it is. It will never be the same. Just saying that tears my heart and guts out…it feels like quitting! The reality is that I need to get off the horse and walk…I don’t have to fight this in this way. Its to truly grieve the loss i.e. voice, body changes, numb toes, age, etc and accept life on life’s terms and truly trust God’s will for me. Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him…I realize that every decision requires a choice..and every choice involves grief over the thing not chosen. One of the reasons I avoided choice in my addiction. My choice is to leave behind the old anger, frustration and impatience and accept/surrender their comfortable illusion of power and know that I can “fight” for my life each moment of every day by living it to the fullest and when necessary, when I get caught up in the “fight” I can always choose to Get off the horse!

Its amazing the peace that is beginning to come with this realization…and energy. My lifelong fear was always that if I stopped “fighting” I would die. There are so many paradoxes in AA, and this is one for me…the more I surrender the more energy and love I have to give Annie and all those close to me. I will also continue riding my horse Irish, drive my tractor and teach with Annie here on our ranch and wherever we are needed. Thanks for reading. Love and blessings, Tom